Situation 1: One of the people you invited can’t keep a secret.
1. Don’t tell them until the day before.
This will give them less time to blab. Take their cell phone, laptop, iPad, iTouch (anything “I” for that matter). They will find a way to destroy the secret that is the surprise party.
Remove all contact they have with the surprisee including fire because smoke signals are making a comeback.
2. Kidnap them.
This goes along with the first suggestion, only do it right before the party don’t tell them where you’re going, also utilize step 2.
Situation 2: A non-invited guest (whom you’ve never met) invites the surprisee to do something else that night.
1. Attempt to talk surprisee out of going with non-invited guest (aka intruder).
2. When that fails, for about an hour you must assume creeper status and follow the list below.
a. If you have the intruder’s phone number, call or text them the situation; if you don’t have their number proceed to step B. Also invite them as a courtesy. Crisis averted, if intruder is an idiot and doesn’t change plans proceed to step C.
b. Utilize social networking. Before proceeding you must: turn off all non-computer lights, don’t wash your hair or exit your room for a week. Now you’re ready to start stalking. Find the intruder on a social network (preferably the less sketchy Facebook) and send them a message. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT write on their wall as the surprisee will see it. Duh. If they don’t get the message, find their cell phone number (most likely on their page) and go back to step A.
c. If the person refuses to change plans, there is only one thing to do. You will need Duct tape and a nerf gun. Duct Tape said person and keep them in a closet until the party is over. Also temporarily steal their identity and use them as a cover for the party by inviting the surprisee to their unknown party.
Situation 3: Let’s assume you live with the person for whom you are throwing the surprise party. You decide to make cupcakes, but alas surprisee has told you they are coming home early. Now you can’t make the cupcakes. What do you do?
1. Use the kitchen of another guest. Make sure to take all supplies; don’t forget the beaters for the mixer.
2. Load things into car, and get there ASAP. If the surprisee comes home while you are loading the car, proceed to step 4. If you have already made cupcakes that are obviously for a birthday and need to get them to your car, go to step 5.
3. Make cupcakes, and revel in your spy-like stealthness.
4. If the surprisee catches you with cooking materials (i.e. frying pan, butter, anything out of place in your car) make a lame excuse. Such as, “I’m ending World Hunger!” or “(insert friend’s name) needs help making cupcakes for the children at the hospital so I’m going to help her.”
If you have already made cupcakes that are obviously for a birthday and need to get them to your car, go to step 5.
5. So you’ve already made SOME cupcakes, obviously for the surprisee’s birthday but they aren’t in the car yet. Wait until your surprisee goes into their room/shower and then GET OUTTA THERE. You may need to stall, here are some tips:
a. Talk to them; convince them to take a shower or nap. Small insults will be forgiven after the party.
b. Eat pretzels or chips.
c. Drink Orange juice. A good line, “I don’t know why but I’d really like some orange juice!” Also a good idea if they ask why you haven’t left yet.
Situation 4: You have guests who suffer from Chronic Lateness.
1. Tell them the party is ½ hour earlier than the actual time – trust me it works.
Situation 5: Surprisee is late to their own party or tried to back out.
1. Tell them to GET THERE NOW. NO EXCEPTIONS.
2. Bribe them.
3. If all else fails, tell them there’s a party. Then blame it on the person you kidnapped because they couldn’t keep a secret.
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