How Dating SHOULD Work

As I may have mentioned once or twice, my relationship status on Facebook is non-existant.

However, within the past few weeks or so I have become oddly ok with being where I am relationship-wise. Actually, I enjoy being single quite a lot, and quite honestly have come to a point where I don't want a boyfriend right now (I know I think I've gone crazy too). I don't have to worry about not spending enough time with someone, stupid fights over nothing, being jealous, or any of that stuff that can come with relationships.

Having this new frame of mind has given me a wonderful ability to objectively look at how relationships in the society I live in tend to work. Allow me to explain:

1. Guy likes girl, most likely met her in a group of friends or was introduced by a friend/friend-of-a-friend.

2. They may hang out in a group once or twice. Then quickly move on to step 3.

3. Guy and Girl go on a one-on-one date. Most people consider this a "Serious" stage.

4. Guy and Girl go on more dates, never going out with anyone else less they be ridiculed. Que texting stupid things - including pet names.

5. Guy and Girl have "DTR" or the "Defining the Relationship" talk. This ends in either A) They become a couple or B) They realize they don't want the same thing and it ends bitterly.

6. If you go to LU yo're engaged in the next year.
Ok just kidding y'all.

That's the way dating DOES work where I live - or at least in my experience. I don't like this system. Here's the way I think this should work:

1. Guy and Girl meet - I don't care how but they do.

2. Hang out with their friends (mutual or otherwise) in groups numerous times.

3. Guy asks Girl out on a date. However, both are still free to date other people.

4. If date goes well, they continue. If not, then let it just die out - it wasn't serious to begin with so it won't be that hard to get over them. May start texting/calling each other a little more after the first date.

5. Go on other dates, and have the "DTR". Texting/calling may advance and petnames may ensue.

6. After and ONLY after the "DTR" do I consider a relationship serious. Meaning I'm not free to date anyone else afterwards.

Obviously, I like my system better. Hanging out in groups is great, it relieves the stress on each person and let's them "be themselves" a little more. Also, I think you should get to know the person better before you commit to spending a few hours alone with them. If you don't know them that well you may have just bought yourself a full two hours of listening to nothing except for their vast knowledge about cults. Yes, I'm speaking from personal experience there.

I really hate it when people think going on one date means you're exclusively dating that one person. I see no problem with me casually going on a date with one guy on Friday and a different guy on Saturday. Not that it's ever happened, but still you know what I mean.

Dating is supposed to be fun, and I feel like the system now takes the fun out of it. There's too much stress involved in it, and really who needs more of THAT?

Till later faithful readers!

How to Keep a Surprise Party a Secret

Situation 1: One of the people you invited can’t keep a secret.

1. Don’t tell them until the day before.

This will give them less time to blab. Take their cell phone, laptop, iPad, iTouch (anything “I” for that matter). They will find a way to destroy the secret that is the surprise party.

Remove all contact they have with the surprisee including fire because smoke signals are making a comeback.

2. Kidnap them.

This goes along with the first suggestion, only do it right before the party don’t tell them where you’re going, also utilize step 2.

Situation 2: A non-invited guest (whom you’ve never met) invites the surprisee to do something else that night.

1. Attempt to talk surprisee out of going with non-invited guest (aka intruder).

2. When that fails, for about an hour you must assume creeper status and follow the list below.

a. If you have the intruder’s phone number, call or text them the situation; if you don’t have their number proceed to step B. Also invite them as a courtesy. Crisis averted, if intruder is an idiot and doesn’t change plans proceed to step C.

b. Utilize social networking. Before proceeding you must: turn off all non-computer lights, don’t wash your hair or exit your room for a week. Now you’re ready to start stalking. Find the intruder on a social network (preferably the less sketchy Facebook) and send them a message. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT write on their wall as the surprisee will see it. Duh. If they don’t get the message, find their cell phone number (most likely on their page) and go back to step A.

c. If the person refuses to change plans, there is only one thing to do. You will need Duct tape and a nerf gun. Duct Tape said person and keep them in a closet until the party is over. Also temporarily steal their identity and use them as a cover for the party by inviting the surprisee to their unknown party.

Situation 3: Let’s assume you live with the person for whom you are throwing the surprise party. You decide to make cupcakes, but alas surprisee has told you they are coming home early. Now you can’t make the cupcakes. What do you do?

1. Use the kitchen of another guest. Make sure to take all supplies; don’t forget the beaters for the mixer.

2. Load things into car, and get there ASAP. If the surprisee comes home while you are loading the car, proceed to step 4. If you have already made cupcakes that are obviously for a birthday and need to get them to your car, go to step 5.

3. Make cupcakes, and revel in your spy-like stealthness.

4. If the surprisee catches you with cooking materials (i.e. frying pan, butter, anything out of place in your car) make a lame excuse. Such as, “I’m ending World Hunger!” or “(insert friend’s name) needs help making cupcakes for the children at the hospital so I’m going to help her.”

If you have already made cupcakes that are obviously for a birthday and need to get them to your car, go to step 5.

5. So you’ve already made SOME cupcakes, obviously for the surprisee’s birthday but they aren’t in the car yet. Wait until your surprisee goes into their room/shower and then GET OUTTA THERE. You may need to stall, here are some tips:

a. Talk to them; convince them to take a shower or nap. Small insults will be forgiven after the party.
b. Eat pretzels or chips.
c. Drink Orange juice. A good line, “I don’t know why but I’d really like some orange juice!” Also a good idea if they ask why you haven’t left yet.

Situation 4: You have guests who suffer from Chronic Lateness.

1. Tell them the party is ½ hour earlier than the actual time – trust me it works.

Situation 5: Surprisee is late to their own party or tried to back out.

1. Tell them to GET THERE NOW. NO EXCEPTIONS.

2. Bribe them.

3. If all else fails, tell them there’s a party. Then blame it on the person you kidnapped because they couldn’t keep a secret.

Hello again my lovely readers! Yes, even if you happen to have a Y chromosome you’re still lovely.

After my last post, I had some well-meaning and curious friends ask me what nicknames I DO like, and what I find attractive in guys. Honestly, they may just be trying to set me up – but I gave them a list anyway. I felt I should share it with y’all so you know I’m not a complete relationship pessimist. We’ll start with pet names.

Anything that is in a Bakery

Including but not limited to: Honey, sugar, sweetie, sweetheart, and scone.

Names with stories behind it/meaning

My favorite kind! Think about Kate from Lost – how Sawyer called her Freckles? Freaking adorable.

I had a guy call me “Daisy” for awhile, as in Princess Daisy, not the duck. He said it fit me perfectly because while I was still girly I could still hold my own with the guys and was pretty nerdy once you got to know me. Like I said, adorable.

While this isn’t an actual nickname, it has the same principle. Remember in The Princess Bride how Westly/Dread Pirate Roberts told Buttercup, “As you wish” when he wanted to say “I love you”? Yeah, just try to tell me you didn’t just go “aww”.

If your significant other calls you anything on my list of hated names, but there’s a story behind it then that’s ok. This is a loophole.

Actual Nicknames

I LOVE it when guys I like call me Tiff. It’s hot. Any other variations (i.e. Tiffy, Tiff-Tiff, Tifferson, Tiffy-Tiff-Tiff, Tiff Tifferson, etc.) just irritate me.

Some people just call me “that magic chick” that’s ok. However, I prefer “Princess of Cards” thank you very much, which was a nickname was given to me by a fellow much more experienced and impressive magician.

As a side note, if I ever get a tattoo that will be on it…with the Ace of Spades.

Almost Anything in a Country Song

Hello Darlin’…

See? There ARE acceptable pet names out there – even a loophole in Tiff Law. Not such a pessimist now, am I?

Moving on, I tend to like a different type of guy altogether. It has changed in recent years. All in all though underneath my preppy exterior is the heart of a nerd, and a nerd/geek lover am I.

Smart

I love intelligent guys! I don’t mean like “I made straight A’s, and can tell you how far away the sun is from the Earth.”

I mean the “I can use Linux, read binary code (both ASCII and Binary-coded decimals), have read Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings series multiple times, and can recite Pi to the 15th decimal.”

I cannot tell you how awesome and attractive that is to me.

Funny

Yes, I realize most girls want this in a guy. However, I have a…let’s say “different” sense of humor. It is very important to me that my future boyfriend share that same sense of humor. Otherwise, the relationship will be doomed from the start. Think 52I like puns, nerd jokes, and…ok let’s be honest I find almost everything funny. Find me a guy who thinks I’m funny and you’ll have found yourself Tiff-boyfriend material.

Looks

They don’t matter to me. Do I have preferences? Of course I do, but if a guy isn’t “my type” looks wise and completely is personality wise he becomes my type real quick.

Reformed Christian

This is non-negotiable. Must be a Christian, must be Reformed. If we can’t agree on what I try to make the center of my life, how in the world are we going to agree on anything else?

Tolerable

I don’t mean I should be able to tolerate him. No way. I mean he needs to be able to tolerate my insanity either by smiling and playing along, or by encouraging it even further. Preferable if he is slightly more insane than I am, if that’s possible.

There you go my loyal readers, proof I’m not a pessimist! Just simply hard to please.

Now…stop calling me a bitter pessimist or I’ll come after you.