On my own

I've recently (ok 3 months) moved to the lovely state of South Carolina.  A few hundred miles from my hometown of Forest, VA.  In the past few months, I've learned what it's REALLY like to live alone, while I do have some great friends down here it's certainly not like Forest where I could call my mom and she'd be over in 10 minutes.  There are good and bad things about truly living alone.  Here's my compilation:

The Good

My room is PINK and GIRLY!  

The few gentlemen that have seen it in passing have all remarked "Now that's pink."  Nobody can tell me I can't decorate the way I want.

If I don't feel like cleaning, I don't have to!  

There is currently the past 2 days of clothes strewn across my living room.  Which bring me to my next point.

No pants!  

This needs no further explanation.

Ice cream at midnight? Yes please!

I've also found an ice cream STORE open until 1am.

My Neibs

Apparently I live in a retirement community.  This is awesome, they love me.  I got fresh baked cookies the other day!  I also get an odd amount of marriage proposals.  They totally have my back though, and when I come in late from work if I pass someone they usually walk me to my door.  

Lookin' Good!

Due to having 3 jobs that all involve me being on my feet, I've lost 2 sizes.  Yes, ladies and gents, I'm back down to the size I was my SOPHOMORE year in High School!!

Abracadabra
I've gotten to spend more time working on my magic- and I'm currently working at the FIRST magic store I went into as a child!  How cool is THAT?

The Bad

Wtf is a Palmetto Bug?

The most disgusting thing known to mankind.  I'm pretty sure they're part demon.  They get in EVERYWHERE.  Now, I've only seen 4 or so...ok, it's a cockroach.  Here's a fun tip: they effing FLY.

Finding new "places"
In Forest I had regular Mexican, Japanese, Italian, and breakfast places I frequented.  So far I just have the breakfast place here.  I'm on the track to finding a Japanese place though!

Slugs are NOT snails
They're different.  Slugs creep in through cracks in your door/wall/sanity and invade your house.  I've had to "relocate" three so far.  Hate these stupid things.




As you can see, the good outweigh the bad.  I adore it here, so if you ever find yourself in Myrtle Beach- give me a call!  Just make sure to bring the salt...

Love and such

Who knew dating was hard?  I most certainly didn't.  It's tough, full of insecurities, and currently I'm not a fan.

Now I'm not saying I want to be in a serious relationship or anything right now- ain't nobody got time for that. Let's face it though, dating's a little different for me.  I'm not your average gal, and while yes everyone is unique I'm a bit more so.

I'm a fangirl, a magicienne, and a massive geek proudly so I may add.  However, I apparently don't have "that geek look" to me- according to numerous people I "look too hot to be a geek".  While that's flattering and all, it sucks.

Men assume because I don't constantly wear my superhero shirts, and am not a massive introvert that I'm not a geek.  This doesn't work well for me because I'm wildly attracted to the geek sector of men- most of which aren't going to talk to me because they assume I'm "normal".  Again, I've been told this numerous times.

Also, I can't stand unintelligent men.  They're a waste of time, and I've wasted too much of my time.

I'm considering making a questionnaire before going out now.

Finding Tiffy- Day 2-6

8/11- Day 2

I went to a wedding (which was simply stunning) where I had to act like a grown up. Mostly because I'd done the programs and wine labels- which were fabulous! My child-like thing? My mommy brought me groceries from her house, side note: since I've moved out I'm pretty sure she's under the impression I'm not eating. ever.

Anyway, I digress, in said grocery bags was also a shirt she had purchased for me. It was a pirate shirt featuring Blackbeard. I then proceeded to give her the history of ol' Edward Teach, after I finished squealing and jumping up and down.

8/12- Day 3

Slept in. Watched Beauty and the Beast. Twice.

8/13- Day 4

Had dessert before lunch.

8/14- Day 5

Decided to dress like a modern Pirate. This consisted of: New pirate shirt, cut off shorts, big hoop earrings, and a bandana. Also used pirate lingo for the entire day. Aye, matey? Y pirate name is Tiff the Terrible.

8/15- Day 6

I was at a fair for Liberty University today with my current place of employment (Macy's). My coworker and I stopped by Starbucks on the way there. She of course got a grown up coffee. I go apple juice, with two shots of raspberry. Seriously, try it- it's amazing!

Finding Tiffy- Day 1

Today I did boring things. I woke up, organized my closet, went out with my roomie.

However there was about 5 minutes where I connected with Tiffy. I actually made Meagan (my roomie) say "Seriously? It's like having an 8 year old brother again!" What did I do?

I attacked Meagan with my nerf gun.

Twice.

She will now be prepared for further attacks.

When the heck did this happen?

Sad news ladies and gents.

The worst has happened. Somehow, I'm not sure how, but I've become. An adult.

Dang it.

I swore it would never happen, yet it has. I'm a boring adult. I'm in bed by 12, if not 11. I have a job that I complain about, I haven't watched a Disney movie in months, I started getting heartburn, I haven't stepped foot on a playground in nearly a YEAR and boys no longer have cooties (ok, so maybe the cooties thing isn't so bad). What the heck has happened?

I swore up and down I'd get older but never EVER become an adult. Sadly, I've lost my magic. I don't know how this happened, but I'm correcting it RIGHT FREAKING NOW!

I think it'll take about 3 months of me doing something childish everyday before I'm back on track.

Starting today, August 10, the Inner Child Project starts. I'll update daily with my activity, sometimes a picture.

Keep me loyal my friends.

You know you're a female magician when...

Yes all of these have happened to me..

You tell your friends "I think I'll work the streets this summer!" and none of them try to stop you.

You realize one of your cards is missing, then you remember it's in the guy's pocket on the other side of the room.

Nobody will play poker with you.

You only have one pick up line, "Pick a card, any card."

Someone asks for your number, you tell them to check their pocket because it's already there.

Your purse is 95% gimmicks and 5% stuff that actually goes in a purse.

Someone says the word "magic" your friends all look at you.

You've been asked by someone to "Show me your stripper" and not gotten offended.

You accidentally palm any coin in your hand.

Other people think you're a heavy smoker because all of back pockets on your jeans have a card box imprint on them

More people know you as "Magic Girl" than your actual name.

You've spent a Saturday night with a group of elderly men, and nobody thought you were a gold digger.

A guy tries to hit on you by doing a magic trick, and you show him a better way to do it.

The Care and Keeping of a Tiff

Do NOT:

Allow to watch Dr. Who, a severe infatuation will develop resulting in The Tiff's entire world revolving around the Doctor and TARDIS

Expect her to be on time

Start a conversation about magic and expect it to be over in 5 minutes or less

Allow near men with rodent feature and/or foreign accents for fear of public humiliation on everyone's part

Do:

Realize that singing will likely be accompanied by interpretive dancing

Be sure to let her view at least 1 disney movie every month for fear of her losing her classic charm

Be aware when feeding her sweets/caffeine. these items are the beginning of a slippery slope that is not for the faint of heart

Allow her to play as many non-traditional games as possible. it allows her creative energy to flow

NEWS FLASH: NEW FAVORITE (woman) SUPERHERO

Today, I discovered one of the best things ever. Did you know, DC comics modeled a superhero after me? Yeah, true story. Don't believe me? Check this out:

WEIRD!!! She looks like me too...oh right and to get even weirder:

1) She looks like me, even more

2) She was on Smallville meeting CK

3) My birthday is March 26

DC, please credit me as the real Zatanna. Much love :)

Return of Supergirl

At the beginning of the Summer, my housemates (mom and sister) and I went to Myrtle Beach. My second favorite place in the world, behind Disney. I completely forgot to bring a cover up, and as every girl knows it's just awkward to ride in an elevator and walk through the lobby in just a bikini.

Although I missed the "always be prepared" thing in Girl Scouts, I did learn the importance of improvising from theatre. Which lead to me using my Super-awesome shirt as a cover up.

While I could make this whole post about the looks and smiles I got from the college guys there, suffice it to say there were a lot of those. No, this story revolves around a little boy around five or six years old.

After being on the beach for awhile, I was going back up to the room - which was on a higher floor so I obviously wasn't going to walk. Ok, I wouldn't have walked even if we were on the second floor.

It was around noon, when the elevators are swamped with parents and their kids headed to their rooms for either lunch or aloe. Have you ever noticed the awkward silence in an elevator? I've noticed kids are totally immune to it! It's so great! Anyway so there I was, in an elevator with about 4 parents and 2 kids in my Supershirt.

The awkward silence encompassed us like a hazy mist, until the sun broke through. That sun was in the form of a five or six year old boy who at that moment turned to his dad and said, "Dad, why isn't Supergirl flying to her room?"

Then a little girl a little older than him interrupted this beautiful moment with, "She's not Supergirl! She's not real." There's one in every crowd....

The best part was the dad's answer, said completely deadpan "I don't know, why don't you ask her?"

As the boy (and smug little girl) turned to me, the elevator reached my floor. Before I stepped out though I looked at the boy and said:

"It was too windy, I tried earlier today but the manager asked me not to anymore since I kept breaking windows."

I then winked at the girl and went to my room.

Best. Elevator ride. Ever.

I may even venture to say it was super.

(As a side note: it was ridiculously windy that day, and part of the hotel was under construction so some windows actually were taped up/broken looking.)

What a Magical World

When you're a magician, sometimes you just like to mess with people. As a female magician, people definitely don't expect anything magical from me (except my charm- just kidding) so when a situation presents itself I tend to take advantage.

The other day, I was walking out of a store. I reached into my purse to get my keys, when one of my playing cards fell out. There was a woman and her little girl behind me, and the little girl reaches down to pick up the card for me.

I said, "Oh don't worry I got it!" and made it levitate into my hand.

Needless to say, she flipped out. The best part was the mom didn't see it, so next thing she knows her daughter is going, "MOMMY! MOMMY!! SHE'S MAGIC!!! SHE MADE A CARD FLY TO HER HAND!!"

The mom looked at me and I nodded in agreement, then disappeared through the door to my car.

Best shopping trip ever!

Top 4 Guys Part 2

About a year and a half ago I gave y'all a list of my "Top 5 Guys". Well, it's been awhile so let's add to the list!

Marshall Mann

If you don't watch "In Plain Sight", you should. Not only is it an awesome show, it has Marshal Marshall Mann. Yeah, that's his name, and he's a man after my heart.

Reasoning:

He is insanely nerdy, and knows random facts you will never have to know.

He has a deep, wonderful voice.

Protective of his girlfriend and friends.

Flynn Rider/ Eugene Fitzherbert

Before you ask, no I don't see a problem with him being a cartoon/CGI character.

Reasoning:

Charismatic

The whole bad-boy thing, but he ends up being SO SWEET

Adorable, just darling

Also so very funny, a dry sense of humor (which I LOVE)

Ryan Reynolds

Just so y'all know, it took me 15 minutes to find a picture of him, do you know how hard it was to choose just ONE?!

Reasoning:

He's hilarious! If he's that funny/quirky in movies then some of that must have actually rubbed off for real life right?

He was the Green Lantern, one of my FAVORITE DC characters of all time.

Let's be honest, have you SEEN this man? Mainly, the smile.

Superman

Like you didn't see this coming...

'Nuff said

The Adventures of Supergirl

As if I didn't have enough series that I haven't written about in awhile let's add another shall we?

A few months ago, I purchased the best shirt ever. This shirt is epic for numerous reasons: it fits me perfectly, it's black and red which both look stunning on me, I had to get it a size SMALLER than usual, it sparkles, it's extremely comfortable, the list goes on and on. However, my favorite part is this: It's a Superman Shirt.

That's right, a Superman shirt. The best thing is, every time I wear it something happens. By "something" I mean an entertaining conversation of some kind. This is my documentation of those encounters, let's begin!

Adventures of Supergirl 1

A few weeks ago I went on a short road trip to Duke University to visit one of my dearest (and obviously intelligent) friends. I decided to dress comfortably since I was going to be driving for awhile and, just having gotten a speeding ticket the week before, I would be adding a lot of time to my travel.

I stopped at my usual place, a Mickey D's/ convenience store. I had gotten my tea and was browsing through the candy. While lost in thought over how one of the many downsides to being a sugar addict was the inability to choose candy quickly, a guy about my age bumped into me. Being a gentleman with an apparent sense of humor he responded with, "Oh sorry there Supergirl!"

I looked up to tell him it was fine, but to be more careful next time as bumping into superheros can be potentially dangerous, and at this point he actually saw what I looked like (before my hair had been blocking my face). I was temporarily speechless as I am whenever I make eye contact with a guy, at which point he said,

"Oh, I'm sorry you're definitely a Lois Lane."

What followed was a slightly awkward conversation as I'm a slightly awkward person by nature, but we both realized we shared a love of DC comics. A few minutes later we parted ways, he towards VA and I to NC, but not before he wished me a safe flight.

U2 can be an Awesome Guy

If you've been following my facebook, you'll know this past weekend I went to Nashville, TN for a BALLIN' concert. Florence and the Machine and U2. Epic? Yes. However the description of the awesomeness that ensued is for another post. I'm going to talk about the awesome people around us. Let's continue.

We were mainly there for Flo (sorry Marc and Amy), but I was still excited about U2. We got REALLY close to the front, I could almost touch Bono (AWESOME). Before the show, we got to know the people around us - considering there was no personal space...at all. The main character in this story is referred to as "Awesome blue guy" or "Awesome Guy". He was a REALLY tall guy around his mid 50's/early 60's, wearing a bright blue shirt. Oh right, he was also Welsh and had a kickin accent.

Before the show he was telling us how excited he was to see Bono...again. "I'm gonna be like 'HEY BONO!' like I'm his best friend!" in his awesome Welsh accent. Later, he was talking about dancing to a college guy beside us, "Man, don't make me break out the shopping cart!" The accent made it 10x better.

The temperature outside, where the concert was, was around 95. Not even kidding. It was SCORCHING. We smartly stayed hydrated. However, a 13 year old kid beside us obviously did not. He started stumbling around and in 3 seconds turned white. No lie, WHITE. The kid's dad, was a jerk. "You're fine! Shake it off." Even I knew the kid was going DOWN. So Awesome Guy puts his arm around the kid and goes "Fine, I'll get him out of here." The idiot dad is saying "He's fine, he doesn't need to go anywhere." Then the kid's knees went out.

Imagine 4 girls, us and the awesome chick beside us, moving a crowd of 300. We did it. Awesome guy puts his arm around the kid to help him walk, they got halfway out and the kid collapsed. Then, Awesome literally picked up the kid and carried him to the EMTs.

Where was the dad this whole time? Following behind like an idiot, I would have loved to smack him.

What does this story teach us? Good people still exist. Awesome guy was obviously insanely excited and had an awesome place to see the stage. However, he didn't hesitate to give it up and completely miss the concert to take care of a kid who's parental unit was not doing what they should have been.

To all the Awesome Guys out there, I thank you.

The Invasion of 2011

A true story:

The storm raged outside, the young woman sat inside with her trusty pup by her side. The lights flickered, a crack of lightening, she checked outside to see a tree split. In the distance a fire truck sped to it's destination, but she remained inside safe from harm oblivious to the intruder outside.

There he sat, wet in the rain underneath the bushes as lightening sounded around him. Through the flashes of light he saw the woman in the window, unaware of her impending doom. She'd never find him, so he thought, he knew where to enter the house without her detection. He slowly made his way across the patio and went inside.

She eased as the storm wound down, and made her way upstairs.

He had made his way inside and was ahead of her, already waiting in the kitchen. He heard the door squeak, he sat there silently, there was no way out now.

She opened the door, the dog barked, she screamed a blood-curdling wail and jumped on the sofa with the dog.

There on the floor....was the intruder.

In brightest day, in blackest night, I shall not escape a geek's sight

If you get the reference the title makes, I totally know why you continue to read my blog. If you don't, google "Green Lantern Mantra".

Now, back to business.

This past week I went to the beach with my family. It was so lovely and relaxing. Also full of compliments from guys...by "full of" I mean two. Which is two more that I've had in the past month. But who's keeping count?

Anyway, one of the most interesting encounters I had happened at a 70s, 80s, and 90s store.

I was looking for a Green Lantern Tee shirt, preferably vintage looking. This store had the BEST tee shirts, however I ended up not getting any as you will soon see why.

I did find a GL tee, but as they were men's sizes I needed a size or two down from what I normally wear. Since those sizes weren't out, I did a gutsy thing and *gasp* went to the front to ask if they had some in the back!

Allow to me describe the two gentlemen working:

#1- CUTE CUTE CUTE! Nerdy, glasses, and a shirt that said "If there was a problem, yo I'll solve it" with a calculator on it. I hope to one day meet him again...at an altar

#2- What you would expect to work in a 70s, 80s, and 90s store. I think he still lived with his mom...

So I went to the front and ,of course, went to cute guy (c'mon it's me, what'd you expect?). I asked if he had the shirt in a smaller size and he responded, "What size does he normally wear?"

I then gracefully and not spastically at all (yeah right) said that I was single and the shirt was for me. He smiled a dazzling smile and said "Oh that's cool!"

Que me melting...

Thenn there was guy #2.

As I was in the process of fawning over guy #1, guy #2 says in a whisper- but loud enough for me to hear - "That's hot."

I looked at him.

He looked at me.

I said..."Thank...you?"

He said, "Oh you heard that?"

Guy #1: "Uhm...sorry about him."

Most awkward moment of my life.

Let's hope guy #1 likes cute, nerdy, awkward girls!

Yes, I did fall off the face of the Earth...

If by "earth" you mean "facebook."

Friends, fans, fellow plane passengers, I have deactivated my facebook account. I'll be back at some point don't worry about it. However, even though I know I graduated high school some others apparently haven't realized that and proceed to act like immature 15 year olds. I'm sick of seeing it everyday so instead I just deactivated my page.

This has been awesome for me amazingly, I've become a LOT more productive. I just wanted to give y'all the heads up because everyone seems concerned they can't find me. So, no I did not defriend or block you - just taking a break from cyber networking.

Blog posts will still be up! Stay tuned for "Summer conference 2011!"

Tiff goes to the Psychiatrist

Allow me to give you some background on this blog before I begin:

A friend of mine (who shall remain anonymous) recently went to a psychiatrist to get checked out. She talked to me about it, and after us both laughing about it she wanted me to write a blog about if I were the one going instead.

This is that blog.

I have decided after much thought that I should probably never go to a psychiatrist, there's wayyyy too much room to mess with them. Follow me here:

Step 1 - I'd have to call to make an appointment. I would imagine it would go something like this:

Secretary: Psychiatrist Office

Moi: Yes, I'd like to make an appointment for myselves.

Secretary: Okayyy, and how many of you are there?

Me: Four and a half, Nadine is preg-o.

Step 2 - Meeting the Psychiatrist

Doc: Hi I'm the doctor

Me: *snarl* *crow like a rooster* *eye suspiciously* "Glitter the Unicorn doesn 't trust you."

Step 3- Being Interviewed by Psychiatrist

Doc: Do you have any hallucinations, or hear voices others don't?

Me: I'm sorry what was the question? That talking monkey next to you is very distracting.

Of course after this whole ordeal, I would be committed to the institution. I estimate I'd last about a week, if that, before they threw me out.

Day 1:

Nurse: Hi Miss Allen, it's time for you medicine. *pulls out shot*

Me: Leaping cupcakes Batman!! Is that a shot or a feaking DART?!

Nurse: You will feel a slight pinch.

Me: Who are you again, and why are you pinching me with a dart?

Later I would get to interact with other patients...

Day 2:

Patient #1: Elloha oviela! Ia peaksa onlya igpa atinla.

Me: ....wanna play chess?

*10 minutes later*

Patient #1: HECKMATECA!!!

Me: Dang...

Me: Hi, I'm Tiffany

Patient #2: I read minds

Me: That's cool, me too, but I need cards for that.

Patient #2: Show me

*insert card trick*

Fast forward to an under-the-table gambling ring in the supply closet.

Unknowing nurse enters: What the heck?! Give me those! Get back to your rooms!

Day 3:

Cards taken away my sanity slips futher. I end up making my own deck out of paper towels and sharpies. They are taken away again.

Day 4:

Attempt using coin tricks, which leads me to becoming a bookie. My ring of comrades and i start placing bets on what the orderlies will do if we irritate them.

Day 5:

Day 4's plans were a stupid idea, I'm caught...again and put in confinement.

Day 6:

They attempt to give me another shot, with a bigger needle. When I react by screaming and attempting to force my way out of the room they put me in a straight jacket.

Day 7:

Nurse #1 : Miss Allen time for- uh...

Nurse #2: Where'd she go?

Nurse #1: And how the HECK did she get out of that straight jacket?!

Guess I should have told them about my magical powers too.

Tiff's Estival List

Well y'all, summer is quickly approaching! I'm crazy excited for the annual Summer Conference I go to with my awesome Bible Study, RUF. However, over the past month or so I've come up with some things I want to accomplish this summer.

Here's that list:

1. Make an A in all 4 Summer Classes

2. Go on a 2-day White Water Rafting/Camping Trip

3. Go Boating and water skiing

4. Film and edit Magic Competition Video (possibly Pirate Themed)

5. Read all three Lord of the Rings Books

6. ...and watch the movies

7. Memorize 3 piano pieces, at least one will be classical

UPDATE: I've decided to add "Learn to Juggle" to the list! My goal is to be able to walk out of Kroger juggling 3 oranges by the end of the Summer

Why am I telling you this? To keep me accountable of course! After I accomplish each I will cross it off this list and post a blog about my adventures in achieving it. Believe me I will make each one an adventure.

Till then, my friends with an insane amount of exams, and the ones graduating soon: KEEP YOUR SANITY, YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!!!

How Dating SHOULD Work

As I may have mentioned once or twice, my relationship status on Facebook is non-existant.

However, within the past few weeks or so I have become oddly ok with being where I am relationship-wise. Actually, I enjoy being single quite a lot, and quite honestly have come to a point where I don't want a boyfriend right now (I know I think I've gone crazy too). I don't have to worry about not spending enough time with someone, stupid fights over nothing, being jealous, or any of that stuff that can come with relationships.

Having this new frame of mind has given me a wonderful ability to objectively look at how relationships in the society I live in tend to work. Allow me to explain:

1. Guy likes girl, most likely met her in a group of friends or was introduced by a friend/friend-of-a-friend.

2. They may hang out in a group once or twice. Then quickly move on to step 3.

3. Guy and Girl go on a one-on-one date. Most people consider this a "Serious" stage.

4. Guy and Girl go on more dates, never going out with anyone else less they be ridiculed. Que texting stupid things - including pet names.

5. Guy and Girl have "DTR" or the "Defining the Relationship" talk. This ends in either A) They become a couple or B) They realize they don't want the same thing and it ends bitterly.

6. If you go to LU yo're engaged in the next year.
Ok just kidding y'all.

That's the way dating DOES work where I live - or at least in my experience. I don't like this system. Here's the way I think this should work:

1. Guy and Girl meet - I don't care how but they do.

2. Hang out with their friends (mutual or otherwise) in groups numerous times.

3. Guy asks Girl out on a date. However, both are still free to date other people.

4. If date goes well, they continue. If not, then let it just die out - it wasn't serious to begin with so it won't be that hard to get over them. May start texting/calling each other a little more after the first date.

5. Go on other dates, and have the "DTR". Texting/calling may advance and petnames may ensue.

6. After and ONLY after the "DTR" do I consider a relationship serious. Meaning I'm not free to date anyone else afterwards.

Obviously, I like my system better. Hanging out in groups is great, it relieves the stress on each person and let's them "be themselves" a little more. Also, I think you should get to know the person better before you commit to spending a few hours alone with them. If you don't know them that well you may have just bought yourself a full two hours of listening to nothing except for their vast knowledge about cults. Yes, I'm speaking from personal experience there.

I really hate it when people think going on one date means you're exclusively dating that one person. I see no problem with me casually going on a date with one guy on Friday and a different guy on Saturday. Not that it's ever happened, but still you know what I mean.

Dating is supposed to be fun, and I feel like the system now takes the fun out of it. There's too much stress involved in it, and really who needs more of THAT?

Till later faithful readers!

How to Keep a Surprise Party a Secret

Situation 1: One of the people you invited can’t keep a secret.

1. Don’t tell them until the day before.

This will give them less time to blab. Take their cell phone, laptop, iPad, iTouch (anything “I” for that matter). They will find a way to destroy the secret that is the surprise party.

Remove all contact they have with the surprisee including fire because smoke signals are making a comeback.

2. Kidnap them.

This goes along with the first suggestion, only do it right before the party don’t tell them where you’re going, also utilize step 2.

Situation 2: A non-invited guest (whom you’ve never met) invites the surprisee to do something else that night.

1. Attempt to talk surprisee out of going with non-invited guest (aka intruder).

2. When that fails, for about an hour you must assume creeper status and follow the list below.

a. If you have the intruder’s phone number, call or text them the situation; if you don’t have their number proceed to step B. Also invite them as a courtesy. Crisis averted, if intruder is an idiot and doesn’t change plans proceed to step C.

b. Utilize social networking. Before proceeding you must: turn off all non-computer lights, don’t wash your hair or exit your room for a week. Now you’re ready to start stalking. Find the intruder on a social network (preferably the less sketchy Facebook) and send them a message. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT write on their wall as the surprisee will see it. Duh. If they don’t get the message, find their cell phone number (most likely on their page) and go back to step A.

c. If the person refuses to change plans, there is only one thing to do. You will need Duct tape and a nerf gun. Duct Tape said person and keep them in a closet until the party is over. Also temporarily steal their identity and use them as a cover for the party by inviting the surprisee to their unknown party.

Situation 3: Let’s assume you live with the person for whom you are throwing the surprise party. You decide to make cupcakes, but alas surprisee has told you they are coming home early. Now you can’t make the cupcakes. What do you do?

1. Use the kitchen of another guest. Make sure to take all supplies; don’t forget the beaters for the mixer.

2. Load things into car, and get there ASAP. If the surprisee comes home while you are loading the car, proceed to step 4. If you have already made cupcakes that are obviously for a birthday and need to get them to your car, go to step 5.

3. Make cupcakes, and revel in your spy-like stealthness.

4. If the surprisee catches you with cooking materials (i.e. frying pan, butter, anything out of place in your car) make a lame excuse. Such as, “I’m ending World Hunger!” or “(insert friend’s name) needs help making cupcakes for the children at the hospital so I’m going to help her.”

If you have already made cupcakes that are obviously for a birthday and need to get them to your car, go to step 5.

5. So you’ve already made SOME cupcakes, obviously for the surprisee’s birthday but they aren’t in the car yet. Wait until your surprisee goes into their room/shower and then GET OUTTA THERE. You may need to stall, here are some tips:

a. Talk to them; convince them to take a shower or nap. Small insults will be forgiven after the party.
b. Eat pretzels or chips.
c. Drink Orange juice. A good line, “I don’t know why but I’d really like some orange juice!” Also a good idea if they ask why you haven’t left yet.

Situation 4: You have guests who suffer from Chronic Lateness.

1. Tell them the party is ½ hour earlier than the actual time – trust me it works.

Situation 5: Surprisee is late to their own party or tried to back out.

1. Tell them to GET THERE NOW. NO EXCEPTIONS.

2. Bribe them.

3. If all else fails, tell them there’s a party. Then blame it on the person you kidnapped because they couldn’t keep a secret.